~=Explosive Logorrhea=~

#10 On Reflection

2012-01-23T02:34:00.000-08:00

So I've realised that my last post was about 1.5 years ago... and I decided to reflect on that.

Has my lifestyle really become that busy? No. I have plenty of time to play Xbox for hours. So, really, it's a choice. I have been choosing not to take time out, reflect and blog my thoughts coherently. I may have been thinking that my thoughts aren't worth blogging but I'm sure I've had lightbulb moments that I failed to note.

How many people these days in our society take regular time out to gather and organise their thoughts and to ponder about things other than the mundane necessities of life, exciting gossip, work debriefing or the myriad of other distractions that fail a simple test: DO THEY CHANGE YOU AS A PERSON? A nice thing about life is that if you are unhappy about something and you reflect on it, you can actually work towards changing something in yourself or your situation that will then remove your unhappiness. Not changing anything relies on the much less likely possibility of your situation changing itself. The worst that can happen is that nothing at all changes and you continue being unhappy.

So is reflection crucial for change? Indubitably.

Following on from the above, it may make it easier for me to blog more regularly by reflecting on those things that make me unhappy. Perhaps that's one of the problems these days - because of the constant barrage of distractions, people forget that they are unhappy about things.. and so they don't reflect.. and so nothing changes.

And now to see how the tennis is going on TV...

#9 A Conversation

2010-07-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

I’m coming home from work and just got on the bus. It takes about half an hour. It’s a good time to read a book, but today I just sit and watch people. A guy gets on a couple of stops later. He’s probably a few years older than me, wearing a business suit with a pale blue shirt and looking like he’s had a long day.

About 5 minutes pass. The guy gets out his phone and answers it. He talks fairly loudly so I easily overhear the following conversation. It’s a loose summary:

“Hey mate. Yeah, just left about 15 minute ago. I should be there in about 10…. Haha. Tell me about it! It’s still not finished. We’ll probably have to work this Saturday… Yeah. I know I’ve done my part… but Geoff (boss?) knows I’m the senior so he’s heaped it on me…

Haha… fuck off. I’m not doing that… This isn’t the movies, mate. Haha… yeah well… (speaks more quietly) I’m on the bus. I’ll talk to you later… I know he’s doing something. It’s pretty easy to tell the way he’s so paranoid. Does Stacey come in to chat to you every day?... I know… And Geoff’s put in that new log with the swipe cards. He knows exactly when and who comes and goes. I bet you he… yeah… well remember I told you when I got into one of his folders accidentally?... Yeah, exactly. I bet he watches all the CCTV footage too, takes it home, the freak…

Hahaha… Piss off. That’s just wrong… As much as I’d like to, it’s not gonna happen… I think she’s got a guy already. And how do you expect me to bring it up? Oh. How was your weekend? Ok. Nice. You wanna romp in the back room after work? Hahaha… (looks around and notices me watching him)… Shut up. I’m on the bus, mate. I’m gonna go… No as if! When did she ever give that impression? She probably wants some rich fuck from legal… Did you see Janna with Williams last Friday?... I know. I’ve got no chance… Hahaha. Maybe. You never know. They probably get sick of the guys working with them. You’re right… Ok, mate. I gotta go. I’ll give you a call tomorrow.

So there you have it. An average weeknight bus trip from the city. Normal people coming home after a day at work. Some sit there playing with their phones, some are reading, others are staring out the window. Some guy takes out his phone and has a conversation… nothing out of the ordinary.

Well. Now think about this. That guy. That was me. And there was nobody talking to me on the phone. I just held it up to my ear for 10 minutes during my ‘conversation’. For 10 minutes, I was talking loudly enough for people to follow me. For 10 minutes, I was talking to myself and nobody felt bothered by it at all.

Now take the phone out of the equation. Imagine me sitting there talking to myself. How do you think people would feel? Why?

Should we give paranoid schizophrenics a phone to hold up to their ear? What is wrong with talking to yourself? You know, I was just thinking the same thing. Interesting question.

#8 To Bake or not to Bake

2010-07-13T05:17:00.000-07:00

s28 of the Residential Tenancies Act 1987 (NSW) outlines the landlord's responsibility for urgent repairs. In the definition of urgent repairs, it includes:

"a failure or breakdown of any essential service on the residential premises for hot water, cooking, heating or laundering"

The question I'm asking is this: is an OVEN an essential service for cooking that must be repaired urgently? Or is it something without which one can live for a few weeks?

Actually, I already know the answer and it is that an oven doesn't constitute an urgent repair. If you argued this at the Tribunal, you would be ridiculed and your application would be dismissed under the section for dismissing laughable applications. You could then come home to your broken oven, cook a delicious meal on your STOVE and survive for as long as the stingy landlord takes to repair the oven.

#7 the Unseens

2010-02-24T04:04:00.000-08:00

I want to let you know about a bunch of people who are dying out. They used to thrive. Now, with urban sprawl and the spread of populations, these people are being forced out of their homes. These days there are less and less places where they can be safe. They used to have some freedom in the darkness of night-time, but that too is becoming a fleeting experience in populated areas.

You may never have heard of these people. You definitely have never seen them. That's because they are the Unseens. These are people who can only exist in spaces where nobody is looking at a particular moment. As soon as someone casts a glance their way, they must escape from view. If they can't get out of sight, they immediately vanish from existence. Whoosh!

The Unseens have populated this planet much longer than us humans. Their civilisation prospered until we came along. After a few bizarre deaths amongst the Unseens, they discovered our lethality and began teaching vital survival skills to their kin in order to preserve their race. This included acrobatic maneuvers and the ability to induce sneezing in us. As you know, humans can't sneeze with their eyes open. This gives the Unseens a brief opportunity to escape our gaze, for they can move much faster than a sluggish humanoid.

With the spread of our civilisation, the Unseens began dying out. Think about it. There's hardly a spot in our crowded cities at which somebody is not looking at every moment. This includes cameras because once their image is recorded, their soul dissipates within milliseconds and their recorded image turns into advertising. That's why there's so much advertising around these days.

As I said earlier, the Unseens used to have some reprieve at night-time. But, again, there are less and less spaces these days that aren't lit up or that aren't being ogled by some nosy human. Most Unseens have migrated to uninhabited areas on the planet, which are rapidly diminishing. What's even worse, they are often uninhabited by humans because living there sucks and it sucks equally for the Unseens.

There is a daring group of Unseens who have refused to be conquered. They're the ones who hide under your bed or in your closet. They have parties in your room when you're asleep. For dares, they whisper your dreams into your ear. They live in abandoned buildings that have been abandoned by squatters after they had been abandoned by their owners. They mostly grow and kill their own food but when they get desperate, they resort to stealing ours. If you've ever had something mysteriously and permanently gone missing, it was taken by the Unseens. Only humans harm the Unseens, by the way. They get along fine with animals. When you hear dogs barking or see animals doing weird things, that's because they've seen an Unseen.

The Unseen elders have identified human surveillance technology as the greatest threat to their civilisation. The advent of Google Maps and the spread of satellites sparked a global plague amongst the Unseen. They tried to get organised. Some efforts were to discreetly disable security cameras and to create safe havens that couldn't be seen from the sky. The most effective method was discovered by pure chance by Fuck, an Unseen who became a hero amongst his people. The young Fuck once accidentally stumbled on a group of British backpackers who were so blind drunk that he walked right past them unscathed. News of his miraculous survival spread across the globe within days. After a meeting of the Unseen High Council, it was decreed that the Unseen must promote alcoholism amongst the human population by any means. You see, as well as having the ability to induce sneezing, the Unseen are capable of telepathically prodding humans into boozing. Friday nights have given the Unseen longed-for breathing space. Humans young and old are being subtly manipulated into drunken stupors, allowing the Unseen to roam freely, flouting their survival and proclaiming praise for their national hero - Fuck. This is why that word is so commonly heard these days. A lot of the time it's actually an Unseen. You see, the Unseen are not the Unheard. That's an entirely different story.

#6 on detachment

2008-11-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

Ok. Finally something's been bugging me enough to write about it.

I was on a fairly packed bus a while ago. It was just after 6pm, tired people coming home from work. At one of the stops, the driver normally hands over to another driver. So he stopped the bus, turned off the engine and proceeded to gather his things. For the next minute or so I had a surreal experience. I was sitting amongst 20 or so people towards the back and everyone was SILENT, either looking ahead or reading. Someone's iPod was playing. I almost felt like saying "So how was everyone's day?". Nobody knew each other and I guess that is then the norm. People just want to be left alone. It often happens that someone is abused or attacked in the presence of by-standers and the by-standers either pretend not to notice or do absolutely nothing. Don't get involved, don't get hurt.. but I digress. In a densely packed city where people are around lots of others very often, we are completely detached from those around us.

I live in a block of 4 units. I've been here for almost 5 years. Over this time I have only spoken regularly with two of my neighbours. Both have moved since then. Now I have 3 neighbours with whom I have not spoken (apart from a token Hi, How are you?). How many other people don't know their neighbours? Is there any reason why people shouldn't know their neighbours? This made me want to organise a BBQ and invite everyone in my block, not only to get to know them but to give them a chance to get to know each other. I figure that if that is the only contact I'll have with some of them it'll be better than what we have now.

So what is this social norm that we have developed? Is it a generalisation to say that people who live in the country value their community much more than those in a city? In this age of individualism and survivalism, are we forgetting the benefits of community? Now if it's a good thing to get to know your neighbours then where do you draw the line? Is someone living two houses away not your neighbour?

Is it a good idea to connect to people you encounter anywhere? Aren't we all a part of the 'human community'? Remember Lion King? 'We are One'? A lot of Tool's songs contain this theme too - 'Schism', 'Right in Two'. We are unique and the Other is someone foreign and different. We are constantly reminded of our differences. We can't relate to or connect to some people because they're not like us. It's so hard to believe that we COULD be like them. We could become homeless. We could be suffering, hungry, injured, assaulted or be facing the multitude of issues others face. But most of the times we're not and so it's easy to stay detached. Is it a fear of something bad happening if we try to connect? Are we kept busy by our lifestyles and don't have time? Would you react differently if it was your good friend?

My goal this week is to talk to strangers at every opportunity.

To be continued...

#5 the system

2008-09-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I took a call from a woman who needed help with repairs in her studio apartment. There was mould and a roof leak that got so bad that she woke up one night with water dripping on her face. She was now staying at a friend's place. Needless to say, she had complained many times to the real estate agent but nothing had been done and relations had deteriorated to the point where she felt too intimidated to speak up. So I got the low-down and offered to talk to the agent on her behalf.

I call Jacquie and politely express my concern about the tenant's situation. I have all her escapes covered and am ready to pounce with relevant legislation and counter-arguments. That's when she tells me that the owner of the unit is a farmer. He's in deep shit because of the droughts and interest rates. He can't afford his mortgage repayments and is gonna default very soon. Obviously he has no money for any repairs. So here we are, all on the same side, getting fucked by the system and only occasionally realising this fact.

This reminded me of a recent youtube of a concert/protest by Rage Against The Machine where Tom said to the cops that they actually had more in common with all the people there than with the greedy, mad politicians inside. He called on them to realise that we have been turned against each other when we're actually suffering together.

We're like pawns and until we promote to the 8th rank we will continue to be sacrificed by those that are playing the Game.

#4 on attachment

2008-08-18T03:33:00.000-07:00

Has somebody close to you ever died? How did you feel? Why then do you not feel the same when people die every day?

My guess would be: closeness.

When you become close to someone they have a much more intense emotional effect on you and you become 'attached' on various levels. You share a more relaxed and open connection than what you would share with strangers. And if you lose that person, it makes sense that you would suffer on a much deeper level than, say, if you read about some guy dying in Iraq.

A little story for you: Luco - one of my favourite highschool teachers taught latin and greek. He was an oldschool mysogynist and took the whole 'ancient-greece-man-boy-love' thing a bit seriously. He used to say completely inappropriate things but we kinda just ignored that. Yet compared to all the other teachers, he was a true radical. He expounded the classics and tried to open our eyes to life. Sadly, the bastard was barking up the wrong age-group. All we cared about were magic cards and handball.

A few years after I graduated he was charged with a shitload counts of pedophilia from way back. I remember how he taught us about Socrates and described in detail why Socrates had chosen to die instead of running away. Ironically, Luco killed himself before he could be found guilty, imprisoned and most likely mutilated.

So what are you thinking now? No, I didn't become attached to him. No, he didn't touch me in places. He encouraged me to use my brain, to be analytical and to question bullshit. The monster gave me value. One of the things that stood out was when he came into the classroom once, pissed off about something, and asked us what was wrong with not caring about someone's death in a newspaper. He went on to say that our emotional detachment from most of the world is a defence mechanism. If we became attached to everyone around we would just turn into a depressed and sobbing wreck.

There's so much shit happening to people around the world and we couldn't care less. Yeah, you might donate here, forward an email there, support a child maybe. But do you cry about it? When you hear about a tragic death does it make you hysterical? Do you sob in shock with that detached and alien clarity that comes with real grief? Of course not. Do you sometimes say 'Oh that's terrible' when you really mean 'Oh. Ok. Whatever'.

So where should we draw the line? How many people should we become attached to? How many people can we let in and yet maintain that defence mechanism? Who are your 'loved ones'?

Deviation one:

Ok, now imagine that you loved every human in the world like your
best friend: Mr Jesus.

Deviation two:

Now imagine you were detached from everyone in the world:
Mr Psychopath.

Deviation (one + two) / zero

Chop up ingredients and mix well. Serve fresh.

Now imagine Mr Jesus Psychopath whose emotions are like a sputtering tap with screwed plumbing.

sound interesting? then read on

#3 Identitties

2008-08-04T05:48:00.000-07:00

Alright. I took a heavy-duty rubber plunger, stuck it into my head and pumped my mind clean through. I expect more regular blogorrhea now. Enjoy!

I can't quite put my finger on it. My mind creates 'frames' of reference for all my interactions with people. I'm more comfortable with some people than with others. Some make me extremely nervous while others I treat like best friends. But WHY?! I am the same person every moment of my life.

The point is that some people act truly themselves all the time and this has a certain sense of integrity - the opposite of insecurity. But you can be secure and still need to 'act'. Me? I'm a social chameleon to such an extent that I don't even have my own public identity. I create it from my interactions with people. Why? I started really understanding this when I read 'Rant' by Chuck P. Car salesmen sell cars by creating a psychological rapport with the customer. They mimic their behaviour. Did you know that people have a preferred sense?

If you say things like 'See you later' or 'I'll see what I can do' you're visual. If you say 'Talk soon' or 'Sounds good' you're audial. And tactile? 'Catch you later' and 'Hold on a minute'. So far I haven't met any 'smell' or 'taste' people. You might say 'Fuck that' they're just phrases I picked up randomly. But why did you pick those specific ones? Huh? Anyway, the point is that if you mimic a person's preferred sense they'll subconsciously find you more comfortable to be with. And that's only the start. There's speech, body language, mannerisms, etc. It's total manipulation.

I've been doing it since childhood.

Why? Can you keep a secret? Yeah, sure you can.

Anyway. Ask yourself - do I behave differently around different people or in different situations? Am I defined by social etiquette? Social constraints make the world go round, but how much do they influence the 'real' me? Do I tone it down in front of my boss? Have I ever behaved 'inappropriately'? Have I ever said "Wow! I can't believe I said that." Am I ever truly myself?

"Who am I? Where am I going?" ~ The Sopranos.

Sometimes you just have to answer.

#2 Is the glass half full, half empty or.. ?

2008-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Do you consider yourself an optimist? A pessimist? A realist? A whogivesashitist?

This is a pretty generalised rant, but I want to clarify some of the things I've recently read/pondered. I actually started thinking about this after reading about the International Relations theories of realism (which, to me, should be called pessimism) as well as being introduced to Antonio Gramsci via Marxist theories.

I used to think of myself as an optimist. I smile a lot and am generally cheerful. If you look at it purely physiologically, stressing is bad for your health. Fact. So finding something to be happy about seems like a pretty healthy (if anything) approach... but I have realised that there are at least two types of optimists - those who find good things and those who deny bad things.

.. and then there's my current boss. He's the most irrational, childish, wacked out optimist I've ever met. His approach to being positive is denying anything negative. I think this is simply wreckless. Negative things are often like pain - a signal that something is wrong and should be fixed. Avoiding this merely exacerbates the damage. This is what led me to question optimism in general...

you see, I think optimism leads to complacency. If you ignore negative things and pretend to be happy you won't be as motivated to change things as someone who thinks everything is going to shit. The danger of the other extreme - pessimism - is apathy. If you're TOO negative, you won't be motivated to change anything anyway. So what's a good balance?

Gramsci put it perfectly. He called for "pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will". I think it's best to stay cheerful and by entertaining a hope of inherent goodness in people to actually make more people around you happier. Consequently, you've gotta look at things realistically and accept that there are screwed up things in this world but instead of resigning to some apathetic sulk, just be the change you want to see. Whether this is what they call 'realism' I don't know.... but this article summed up a lot of my thoughts really well.

So whatever the glass is, if you're thirsty - drink the fucking thing. Otherwise, leave it for someone else and do something useful with your time.

P.S. Don't worry ~ I'll post some more entertaining stuff soon...

#1: Awareness

2008-07-02T05:47:00.000-07:00

How does the floor feel?

How many times have you walked on it yet have you ever felt it? Go on. Run your palm over it. How does it feel? What does it remind you of? Is this in any way important? Now I'm not saying that we ought to go out of our way to feel everything nor to remember every irrelevant detail we encounter. I'm talking about Mindfulness.

Some people are very perceptive and can remember very specific details. Me, I'm often spaced out inside my thoughts and would benefit from taking in more of the external. We remember things better if they're accompanied by strong emotions: fear, anger, lust, desire, laughter... but what Mindfulness means to me is to consciously become aware of the present... notice the little details and simply experience more rather than less.

Can you have complete awareness of a moment? First, you'll need to be aware of all your 5 senses. What can you see around you? What can you hear? Any smells? What can you feel pressing against you? How does your body feel? What's the taste in your mouth?

Now you can check how you feel: good? bad? hungry? thirsty? anxious? bored? tired? scattered? Does your mind trail off distractedly?

I've decided, from now on, to consciously focus on some detail(s) from my day. Today I felt the carpet. It felt a bit cold and not as soft as I'd imagined.