#4 on attachment

Has somebody close to you ever died? How did you feel? Why then do you not feel the same when people die every day?

My guess would be: closeness.

When you become close to someone they have a much more intense emotional effect on you and you become 'attached' on various levels. You share a more relaxed and open connection than what you would share with strangers. And if you lose that person, it makes sense that you would suffer on a much deeper level than, say, if you read about some guy dying in Iraq.

A little story for you: Luco - one of my favourite highschool teachers taught latin and greek. He was an oldschool mysogynist and took the whole 'ancient-greece-man-boy-love' thing a bit seriously. He used to say completely inappropriate things but we kinda just ignored that. Yet compared to all the other teachers, he was a true radical. He expounded the classics and tried to open our eyes to life. Sadly, the bastard was barking up the wrong age-group. All we cared about were magic cards and handball.

A few years after I graduated he was charged with a shitload counts of pedophilia from way back. I remember how he taught us about Socrates and described in detail why Socrates had chosen to die instead of running away. Ironically, Luco killed himself before he could be found guilty, imprisoned and most likely mutilated.

So what are you thinking now? No, I didn't become attached to him. No, he didn't touch me in places. He encouraged me to use my brain, to be analytical and to question bullshit. The monster gave me value. One of the things that stood out was when he came into the classroom once, pissed off about something, and asked us what was wrong with not caring about someone's death in a newspaper. He went on to say that our emotional detachment from most of the world is a defence mechanism. If we became attached to everyone around we would just turn into a depressed and sobbing wreck.

There's so much shit happening to people around the world and we couldn't care less. Yeah, you might donate here, forward an email there, support a child maybe. But do you cry about it? When you hear about a tragic death does it make you hysterical? Do you sob in shock with that detached and alien clarity that comes with real grief? Of course not. Do you sometimes say 'Oh that's terrible' when you really mean 'Oh. Ok. Whatever'.

So where should we draw the line? How many people should we become attached to? How many people can we let in and yet maintain that defence mechanism? Who are your 'loved ones'?

Deviation one:

Ok, now imagine that you loved every human in the world like your
best friend: Mr Jesus.

Deviation two:

Now imagine you were detached from everyone in the world:
Mr Psychopath.

Deviation (one + two) / zero

Chop up ingredients and mix well. Serve fresh.

Now imagine Mr Jesus Psychopath whose emotions are like a sputtering tap with screwed plumbing.

sound interesting? then read on

#3 Identitties

Alright. I took a heavy-duty rubber plunger, stuck it into my head and pumped my mind clean through. I expect more regular blogorrhea now. Enjoy!

I can't quite put my finger on it. My mind creates 'frames' of reference for all my interactions with people. I'm more comfortable with some people than with others. Some make me extremely nervous while others I treat like best friends. But WHY?! I am the same person every moment of my life.

The point is that some people act truly themselves all the time and this has a certain sense of integrity - the opposite of insecurity. But you can be secure and still need to 'act'. Me? I'm a social chameleon to such an extent that I don't even have my own public identity. I create it from my interactions with people. Why? I started really understanding this when I read 'Rant' by Chuck P. Car salesmen sell cars by creating a psychological rapport with the customer. They mimic their behaviour. Did you know that people have a preferred sense?

If you say things like 'See you later' or 'I'll see what I can do' you're visual. If you say 'Talk soon' or 'Sounds good' you're audial. And tactile? 'Catch you later' and 'Hold on a minute'. So far I haven't met any 'smell' or 'taste' people. You might say 'Fuck that' they're just phrases I picked up randomly. But why did you pick those specific ones? Huh? Anyway, the point is that if you mimic a person's preferred sense they'll subconsciously find you more comfortable to be with. And that's only the start. There's speech, body language, mannerisms, etc. It's total manipulation.

I've been doing it since childhood.

Why? Can you keep a secret? Yeah, sure you can.

Anyway. Ask yourself - do I behave differently around different people or in different situations? Am I defined by social etiquette? Social constraints make the world go round, but how much do they influence the 'real' me? Do I tone it down in front of my boss? Have I ever behaved 'inappropriately'? Have I ever said "Wow! I can't believe I said that." Am I ever truly myself?

"Who am I? Where am I going?" ~ The Sopranos.

Sometimes you just have to answer.